A Penny For Your Thoughts/Rant

So recently... my account got suspended on Youtube. It was close to 1,000 subscribers. It's bittersweet seeing the account you used for about 3 years get killed. I didn't cry. I wasn't even really upset. It was just one of those moments where you think, "Wow... It's... really gone..." Naturally I made a new account and things are going pretty well. Although, right now I just can't bring myself to fully give my all in projects. It's not really so much that I don't like doing it. It's just that I realized there are other things in my life that need more attention. I've been getting online less often. I don't want my online friends to think I am ignoring them it's just... I think I am fully growing up. There are days where I don't even want to look at the computer. I will just close my laptop and do something else. Is this what happens to people when they've grown up? I'm not quite sure. Also, singing and dubbing just feels like a popularity contest to me now. At least it seems that way. It gets rather petty and childish at times. I don't want any part of that.

With my singing I honestly can NOT imagine a career with the voice I have. I know for a fact that my voice isn't particularly special. It goes off-tune more often than not. I will probably NEVER get training. I find both my head voice and chest voice very annoying to listen to. I don't even know how I am able to mix anything with my voice in it. My voice in general does not sound pretty when I sing. I've tried standing, sitting, and kneeling while singing. Maybe I am deaf but it doesn't seem to make a difference. I always ask myself, "Why are you still trying? Why don't you just stop and let the REAL singers shine?" I'm... not sure why I continue to sing. I guess it's because I've always been singing. Always. It's a habit. I hum. I sing in the car. I sing constantly. But I am an actress first. Acting is in my blood. I don't know where I got it from but it's there. I'm not FANTASTIC at it but I am a hell of a lot better at it than singing. A lot of times I want to delete every cover I have on my account. A lot of people make singing look so easy. Some have natural talent and haven't been trained. It's like... O_O; *SELF-ESTEEM GETS SHOT OVER 9.000 TIMES*

And then there are the people who just think they are soooooo godly... (Even though it is kinda true cuz they are stupidly talented...) At times I envy their "confidence". Why can't they share some of that with me? ;-; I will be getting a sound-proof area soon but will I use it? It's very tempting and every AVA dreams of having something that valuable. But after all that has happened... Will I have the motivation?

"I'm... not sure why I continue to sing."

I don't try to achieve something with my singing, I do it for fun! isn't that the reason why you sing? Just because you like it? I think that's reason enough to keep singing.